just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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