I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
