After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
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