Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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