I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
