I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
