did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
