I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
