If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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