Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
