On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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