I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
