dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
