So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
