Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
He has the fingertips of a God
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