plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Randomize
