I am spending my child support on dildos
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
The uberlube is also flammable
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Shame - the story of my life.
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