I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
