I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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