I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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