Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
