I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
