Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
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