Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
