Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
