I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
