theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize