is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Randomize
