Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
