I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
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