WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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