How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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