I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
