From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Randomize
