I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
