and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
