I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
