a queef is a wish your heart makes.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
