Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Randomize
