I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
