2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
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