Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize