I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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