i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
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