then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
