come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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