I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
