It's like a parade of train wrecks.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
