I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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