I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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