I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
