a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
