wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
