I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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