Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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