smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Buhtt sex?
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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